Today is Day 7 Post-op and I have had MANY emotional hurdles to overcome this week. My wife said I am mourning food. Yes, YES I have missed my buddies, especially my foot-long cheese steak sub, large french fries with gravy, mozzarella sticks and cheese pizza. All at one sitting with something sweet for dessert. I may have actually said out-loud that the world could F-off, just let me eat and stuff myself and die doing it. I might even have cursed the creator of every single fast food restaurant while in the same breathe stating that if I could do it over I would eat out at several restaurants every night. I may have even tried to make a deal with the dark-side that I would give them my whole paycheck if they would just let me eat whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted for those two weeks.
And then, I seared and perfectly fried a piece of chicken breast. It was a small piece but it was the first time I had ever cooked it so perfectly and when I sliced it, the knife went through it like butter. The spices were glistening in the light oil I had used and I was transfixed as I watch the juices slowly seep out of it. I stood there, just staring and understanding for the first time, truly, how beautiful food was. I wasn’t trying to scarf it down, mutilate it into a gazillion pieces, or do 25 other things while slicing it….no, it was just the piece of chicken and me, alone in a quiet kitchen and it was a magnificent feeling. This piece of chicken would feed my son. It did not need to be covered in sauce or served with noodles. I wouldn’t have to wrap it in bread, dunk it in honey mustard or eat it so fast because it was small and then worry that there wouldn’t be another piece for me. It would nourish HIS body, allow him to get through another day of playing and being a growing boy and I prepared it for him….perfectly.
I realized that I have been like a stray dog looking through the scraps for a piece of meat my entire life. From the moment my mother must have said we needed food and I realized what that meant, I have been frantically searching and consuming as much food as possible, “just in case”….
My need to consume was so great that even after my surgery I wanted to consume copious amounts of liquids to try and fill the need. Of course that doesn’t work with the sleeve. You cannot consume anything fast. You sip. You nibble. You take. A. Bite. You cannot hurry.
I am still thinking all of this over but I know this is a huge emotional hurdle for me and I wanted to share….