As I move closer to a surgery date I’m faced with the reality that the world I currently live in is going to be drastically changing. I am invisible right now. I can walk down the halls at work and not one person will meet my eyes to say hello. I can ride up to the top floor of my building, stopping at every floor to let someone off, and not be told “Have a great day'” or even “Good Morning” by anyone. I try to say it to everyone who get’s off the elevator because we should talk to each other more.
A people watcher by nature, I can tell you that women my age and younger stare past me like I don’t exist. Most women between 35-55 talk to me like a best friend. Women older than 55 look at me with either pity or disgust.
Men under 25 do not see me. Men 25-35 talk to me like a sister. Men between 35-55 do not see me. Men over 55 are usually downright rude with their looks of disgust. They sometimes stare with open hostility as if I have ruined their world by walking through their line of vision.
There have been notable exceptions to those rules – people I treasure and will never forget have looked past the fat and saw the real me.
I admit that some days I have woken up so depressed I could not take a shower or care enough to see if what I found to fit me that day actually matched. I stopped wearing makeup and doing my hair. Why bother. I could go days without speaking to a single person at work if I didn’t go out of my way to speak to someone first. Work, collect a paycheck, go home and live, repeat….
Not for much longer….
One day at a time….