Yes, I can see and I have mirrors – used as little as possible of course….however, the way I see myself is NOT the person I see when I look at pictures. My wife and I were going through Christmas photos last night and I stopped on a picture of me that was not good.
“I look sick,” I said. “You look exhausted,” she said. I was tired after spending all day in the kitchen preparing for dinner for the next day and cleaning the house for our guests…but still, I didn’t look right. Who was that person looking back at me? When I visualize myself I am always overweight but never sickly looking. If I saw that person I would ask them if they were okay. Sit them down. Get them a water. And then go home and tell my wife that so and so looked terrible and I didn’t think they were going to be around much longer. Seriously, it was that bad. No wonder….no wonder no one will meet my eyes when I am out and about. No wonder I am in a stagnate position at work. No wonder I have no energy. No wonder the few people who know I am having bariatric surgery keep asking me when it will be. This was me in the summer of 2012….I look sick there too….
I think that I still picture me as this person from 2008….
What changed in these last six years? I became a mama (my wife had our son in 2009). I switched jobs at work for better hours so I could see my son and have not been happy with the 3 positions I have had over that time. I’ve switched medications I don’t know how many times. We’ve moved but still haven’t sold our old house so there is big time stress there. My grandfather, my last grandparent, died. My brother, my only family I felt was always there for me, lost his mind, became a felon, and was diagnosed as being schizophrenic – I seriously NEVER saw that one coming. He then came to live with us for a year with his daughter and it was terrible. Then, two months after that our friend lost her house and we took in her two youngest kids for 2 months, grew very attached to them and then had to give them back – long story there. Stress…..that’s what is killing me.